update

Note: this entry is more like a letter to Jennie, a fellow student who couldn't return to Finland because of stupid bureaucracy.

I really planned to write - and then found I was too exhausted even to think. Last week was a nightmare and the weekend does not bear thinking about.

School: Kuopus, Levyttäjä and Viulisti quit. Kuopus's decision was not a surprise to anyone and we knew Levyttäjä had troubles, but Viulisti - she said that her family coud not afford this school anymore. Levyttäjä still hangs around: might be he has some doubts about leaving after all.

What to say of Folklandia? Our gigs were horrible. Anni lost her voice completely, so I had to fill in for Jove and Rinkilaulu. We coud not perform the Ballad of St. George in the biggest gig at all. Miss T. got extremely angry because she was not asked to fill in for Anni on the band songs.

Anni was - naturally - disappointed and angry. The rest were just concentrating on getting drunk. I, for some reason, was in a truly terrible mood. I can't explain it: I just woke up on friday morning and hated the whole wide world. I coudn't stand people, noise or anyone merry being anywhere near me. Not so good when you're on a ship filled with drunken, singing and dancing folk artists. Laulaja made it all perfect by bringing some guy to our cabin around five am. Neither of them realized I was awake - she still doesn't know - and I just lay awake and wished for earplugs.

The best part of the whole cruise was the bustrip back to Kylä. We had a good jam, lots of leftover alcohol and great fun. That is, those of us who did not have a hangover, had fun.

Our weekly schedules have changed somewhat. Course about the musical cultures of the world ended, as did the one about new Finnish folk music. We have started a couple of new ones: history of Finnish popular music - starting from the 18th century. There are also lessons on notation, arrangement, employment, project working (we're supposed to make some bigger project some time in the spring) and copyrights. Folk dancing will end after a few lessons, and folk singing course was also to be finished, but Reksi arranged things so we could continue it.

We've had a couple of gigs after Folklandia and more are coming. After Levyttäjä quit, I almost got myself transferred into your band, but Reksi wouldn't allow it. I understand completely why, but it's irritating all the same. I just can't stand Ms T. Must be somekind of a character defect of mine. Our band is currently practicing the Mesimarja -tango. I absolutely hate to have to listen her rape that beautiful song for four hours every week.

But there is something good as well: my cello is finally in a playable condition. The bridge still looks awful, but the sound... I haven't heard it sound so perfect in years. I found my favourite classical concerto from the library. I've been practicing it for two days, and after a week I think I might be able to perform the first part, Prelude. Not that I will perform it anywhere - but I like to practice it anyway. Years ago, it took me four months of training before my teacher stopped grimacing every time I played it. Now it sounds good after only two days. Damn, I'm good :-)

Now, then about last week.

You might remember Anni talking about the larp we were making - Pelargirin Ympyrä. The pages are only in finnish, sorry. Anyway: I had left the writing to the last possible moment. I didn't have any motivation, vision or interest but I didn't want to tell Anni I couldn't do it. So I spent a week writing, skipping school, forgetting to eat, not taking my medication. Nothing I could produce would do: Anni had a very clear vision of these characters, but every time I thought I had understood it, I was wrong. So I became even more stressed, because the work took a lot more time than I had expected. I posted the last characters only six days before the game. Anni had already left to Helsinki so I was alone in the cabin.

As I started to write the statists, I begun to have epileptic seizures. I slept erratically and forgot things. On wednesday before the game, Ene called. I had written something about my problems to my net diary, and people in Helsinki were getting worried. They got me to promise I would go and see a doctor the next day. (Actually they said that if I didn't go to a doctor and then call and told them I had done it before noon on thursday they would call Reksi and ask her to get me to a hospital.)

So I went to the psychiatrist and told the personell there about the trouble I had. I'd forgotten my epilepsy medication mostly because I had run out of my anti-depressants and didn't care about the epilepsy anymore. So they took me in as an acute case. It didn't really help, but I appreciated the thought.

I left for Helsinki on thursday afternoon. When I got to Lummetie, I found Kristiina and Anni yelling at each other. It continued for the next several hours. I worked till three in the morning, crashed into bed, got up at ten and continued working. Anni drove me and some props to the old mansion (where the game was to be held) around five in the afternoon. She left around six to fetch Kristiina, Sampsa (the third gamemaster) and a lot more stuff so we could prop the place.

I carried stuff around, cleaned, colored paper with coffee, read the newspaper and finally, pissed off, went to sleep. Around midnight the rest finally arrived. I cursed, got up and continued working with Sampsa. We got to bed at three and up again around eight.

During saturday, I carried and washed dishes, served food, managed to illuminate the dining hall with candles (no easy job in a place where toasting bread has a good chance of causing an ear-splitting fire alarm) and worked myself to a complete exhaustion. I rarely even saw the other gamemasters - they sat watching the leading character interrogate others. I was pretty sure this was the way they had planned things to go, so I just gritted my teeth and worked. At some point of the evening I started to run to the bathroom every hour for a couple of minutes. I locked myself in and cried hysterically, then re-applied my make-up and continued working.

After the game was over, I started cleaning the place up. Anni found a bottle of wine, Sampsa had whisky, Ene had everything, but I didn't have any money for alcohol. After most of the players had left, I tried to tell others that I was a little depressed, and could use some help. The personell at the psychiatrist's office had given me a new prescription, but I hadn't had the time to go buy any nice pills. I had given the papers and money to Anni and asked her to buy them, but she didn't have time neither. So after several days without my anti-depressants, I broke completely. Anni went to sleep, Sampsa was too depressed to help and Ene was not interested in my problems.

The next day I found out that Anni and Ene had had a major fight during the night, but I didn't really care. I just started cleaning the kitchen. At some point Ene came in there, begging for sympathy, so although I was in a lot worse condition than he, I still took the time to comfort him.

I left around five and went to my parent's place. My mother made me coffee, brought me food and gave lots of sympathy, so by the evening I thought I was ready to go to a nearby pub and chat with the players who were meeting there. A big mistake, as I later noticed. By the time almost everyone had left, I was again almost hysterical. I told Ene that I really, really need help right now. He ignored me completely. I didn't want to speak to Anni - I was furious at her and she knew it. So she asked Ene to make sure I was okay. Ene didn't care. (And this is a guy whom I thought was my friend!)

They left for Lummetie, and I got hysterical again. Thankfully the bar personnel didn't notice. I sent text messages to Ene, in an attempt to make them turn back and help me. Anni later told me that Ene didn't even tell anyone about those messages.

Now, I don't like threats. I rarely use them, and I don't like people who use them constantly. At this point, however, I saw no other choice. I asked Ene if the only way to get help from my friends was to threaten to hurt myself. He answered that it seems to be the case. Then I told him that if somebody didn't come and help me right now, I would go to my parent's apartment and get a very sharp knife. How much plainer you can get? Well, Ene, the master of sympathy, told me that in that case he would smack me around the ears the next time we met. And that's it. No help, no nothing.

I passed time weeping uncontrollably until monday afternoon. Then I got my father to drive me to an apothecary and then to Lummetie to gather some of my stuff. I met Anni, who told me that she had left Ene. I got my things and father drove me and Ene to Living Medieval's board meeting. I started the meeting by taking a triple dose of anti-depressants. After the meeting I had a very long talk with Ene the Ex-Boyfriend - and soon ex-friend if he didn't explain himself.

Of course, he had only (pathetic) excuses. He had been so depressed himself, because Anni had treated him so wrongly all week. Anni had made the poor guy run all over Helsinki fetching things and do other work. Actually, Ene had volunteered - but he forgot to mention that to me. All in all, his main excuse was that he had to give all his time and attention to Anni - who had asked him to keep an eye on me because I clearly was in a terrible shape.

Before this, I had an almost fatalistic certainty that after Anni left Ene, we two (that is Ene and me) would get together again. It wasn't that I especially wanted it: it just was natural and obvious. Not so anymore. I found that this really was the last straw. Took me long enough.

He tried to get me to come to his apartment, drink some whisky and talk. I refused: he wanted someone to replace Anni, and (while drunk) he had been telling me for months that I was the perfect second choice. Not something a woman wants to hear, really. I had absolutely no intention to be his second best choice, so I basically told him to fuck off and went home.

I slept only two hours. I wasn't tired, so I got up at six. It was like I had woken up from a nightmare. I was in a good mood, energetic, not angry at Anni anymore and generally happy. Those anti-depressants sure are effective...

I got on the morning train, met Anni, made peace with her and returned to school. The past few days I have slept a lot, but life is getting normal again. If you're really interested, Anni might tell you more about the game and why she thinks it failed. And I will probably be telling a lot of people exactly why I'm pissed at Ene.

Writing this was very good therapy - and if you actually reached the end of my ramblings, you deserve some kind of medal for patience :-)